I never usually feel anything.
So this is what it's like to be a girl?
This is what it's like to be heart broken.
I was never this upset about Craig. Or was I? Did I let myself be upset? Or did I just cling to the next person who would love me? In doing that maybe I either found the love of my life or ruined the greatest friendship I ever had. I'm not sure of anything anymore.
I knew he didn't want a relationship. I knew that. But I guess it just didn't feel that way. It felt like it was almost there. Almost what I wanted or thought I wanted. I guess that must be why it hurts so much.
How do you deal with something like this? How do you learn to let go of someone who loves you? How do you let go of someone you love? How do you still be friends in all of that? I want to know. Someone tell me. He loves me, I know he does, he was so torn up about all of this he even cried. And I know he never cries. Not even in his last relationship. He just can't give me what i give him. He is too fucked up with his anxiety and depression to be what I need him to be. I understand that and I know that he is right. But it's just so not easy to stop loving and wanting to be with someone.
I can't not look at him and not smile. His humor and good nature, his quirky sense of style and love for the simpsons. Even the stupid way he likes to have is coffee cold and his underwear is always on inside out. Even when he fails to hear or listen to me, I would rather be with him doing all those crazy things than anywhere else. I know that it's stupid to say you are in true love or real love or whatever but I actually believe I am in love with him and always will be. I love him despite all the things other people would hate and all the things he hates about himself.
I'm so painfully upset and confused with life. This year has been awful and so upsetting. I want to know if anything worse or more evil can happen. Lets see what has happened this year...
First I move in with Craig and his parents to try and save our relationship because it was falling apart. Then I have to take the bus across the city to get to work. Didn't last long thought because we end up breaking up. Then I find out Jeff has always liked me. Happy about this and being true to myself, I also have always liked Jeff. We decide to be a couple and almost move in together. He breaks things off because he thinks I'm not ready. True enough I wasn't, so we hang out and what not even still kind of act like a couple. Summer time I ask him to be with me because I think I'm ready. Turns out he isn't ready and doesn't know how to deal with this. We talk and he just can't deal with a relationship right now. We go on sort of seeing each other and what not. Oh and then there is all the shit with my sister. She wants to be a street kid. I almost loose my job. Jeff finally says he can't do this relationship at all because he is too fucked up. My mom is about to be homeless and the divorce is still not finalized.
Seriously just want this year to end. I have wanted nothing more all year than be to be happy and content. For things to settle down and be normal and easy. I really don't think this will ever happen. I just want to love and be loved. It's all I ask. If I had one wish, I would wish for everyone I love to be happy and better. No more depression or stress or anxiety. That's all I want.
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