Aggravation

So my happiness continues. Green bay won the Superbowl WOOT!!!
And we are cleaning the new condo so we can move soon, I'm getting excited about it. It will be nice for us to share our space and be around each other all the time. I can cook tasty dinner decorate and stuff. Oh yea and save a lot of money because my bills will be cut in half pretty much. Awesome.

Only thing bugging me at this moment. His ex. She calls. Every. Fucking. Day.
I understand that he wants to stay friends with her and well I think he mostly talks to her just to be nice because she is still all upset about him and I being together. Well too bad for her. She fucked things up with him a long time ago and if she wanted to fix it she should have. I know I shouldn't be mean but her incessant calling pisses me off. If she called like once a day I can deal with that. But if he doesn't answer she calls like 5 times. I don't even call him that much if he doesn't answer. She acts like he is still obligated to treat her a certain way or something but either way I hate it. And she will fish for compliments. Fucking women. HATE THEM. I don't even do things like that. Ugh. It's not that I am jealous I suppose it's just that I know how girls work for the most part and she is clearly not over him even though it's been over a year. She needs to move on, the best way to do that is for her to take time for herself and not talk to him. You can be friends with your ex, I have no problem with that but I don't even talk to my best friend Talicia everyday on the phone. Maybe once a week or a few text messages. That's all she really needs. Once a week a phone call should be good. It's unhealthy for her to keep calling him this much. I suppose part of it is his fault because I'm sure he hasn't asked her to stop but I know he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. And she easily gets hurt.
I should probably address this issue with him but I will let it go a little longer and see if she backs off after we move or maybe he will say something to her or stop returning her calls who knows. Anyways I'm trying to be a god girl and play nice. My horoscope told me to be careful with my temper today so that's why I'm writing in here instead of raging out and sending her an angry message on facebook. Which I will do if I have to at some point. I will do whatever I have to do to protect and take good care of our relationship. I want this to work more than anything else.


Last words for the day before I get high so I can sleep and not worry about this...
To self: It's ok, you can get through this. Things will work out in your favor. Try to relax and act calm and rationally when speaking with others. Anger will get you no where.

Kim ( The ex ) : You need to back off and stop calling so much, I'm sure you are a sweet girl but you are really over stepping the friend boundaries with Jeff. He's not yours anymore, let go. Because I hate to say it but if you don't back off things are going to get ugly. I don't play nice when I'm mad.

Jeff : I love you and trust you with all my heart, I don't want to hate her I really don't. But her constant calling really upsets me.


I really hope my feelings on this are normal and not out of line. I don't get mad or possessive often but I feel like my toes are being stepped on :(

Happiness

Have I found it?
It's been a long time since I posted. Mostly because I only post when I am upset or confused and such. I noticed someone is actually checking my blog. Funny because I haven't even checked this blog in a while. Too busy with my picture takings to bother with this one. I guess I don't really have to much to write about other than that things are going good with Jeff and I, just hoping and praying they stay that way. I feel like things are going to stay this way and I'm glad 2010 is over because it was the hardest year of my life. This year should bring good new things and so far it has. I'm happy with the way things are between him and I, sometimes I do wonder though because we have never really talked about the state of our relationship. Like everyone assumes we are together as in a couple, and if they don't they ask. I don't know what to tell them, I feel like he is my boyfriend, I have no interest in any other people and as far as I know neither does he. We act like a couple, do everything together, are super attracted to each other and have great sex. Everything that a good relationship needs we have. Trust, love, communication and patience. I guess we don't have to call it anything but I guess I just want to make it official or I need to hear that he loves me and wants to be with me. Ugh I hate being a girl and having feeling and emotions sometimes. So I guess I am generally happy I just think I would be happier if we made it official or something y'know?
I asked me if I wanted to move in with him to the condo he owns. I like the idea, I would save a lot of money and it would make life easier for the both of us. I just LOVE my apartment and my independence. It's not like I need to live alone or anything and besides he is always over anyways, we spend all our time together. Maybe us not making it official is holding me back from wanting to move too. The more I think about things the more comfortable I am with the idea of moving. It's just such a big step and I just need to know if he is willing and ready to make that kind of commitment to me and us. We wanted to move in together like way back when I first got this place but it was way too soon then. I'm glad we waited because I learned so much about myself last year and I think I may be ready to make that kind of commitment.
It's not like we are getting married or anything it's just that our relationship would get a lot more serious. At the end of the day I just don't want to fuck things up. I want us to be happy like this forever lol oh I am cheesy.....

Stupid Girl

So I went out on a date. It wasn't bad. We were getting along and everything. He was very nice and would call me often and we would talk. Then I fucked it up by finally telling Jeff. He freaked so to speak.
Came over and was all in my arms saying I don't want to loose you and I love you so much. I'm such an asshole. Like really, he thinks he is for leading me on but I'm an ass for letting myself think I was actually ready to date.
I don't think I ever will be. I love him too much and this weird relationship is never going to end until one of us decides we can see each other anymore. I won't let that happen. I rather love and lose than never love at all. I wish he would see that and feel the same. I don't want to go the rest of my life wondering what could have been between us, that's why I want us to date officially and that's why I think we should. I understand why he thinks we shouldn't but at the same time at the end of the day which option really works better? Most people would pick the relationship because you need to try something before you know it doesn't work. And even after it doesn't seem to work you can still fix it or work on it to make improvements. A relationship is only as strong or good as the people involved in it. You have to make the effort to make things work, you have to make the choice to be there and you need to want it.


I want it. I will put in the effort and I am making that choice to be there. For as long as it take until he realizes I'm not like any other girls and most importantly we are not going to end up like him and his ex. I know we can do this.

Questions.

Things I wonder about.
Am I'm crazy, weird and girly?
It's only been  4 days since my last heartfelt post and I am starting to feel different already. I'm starting to question my feelings for Jeff or if I even had them in the first place. I love Jeff I know I do but I'm starting to think it's just that very close family type love and now what I thought it was. Or if it is what I thought it was why am I doing so well all of a sudden.

For the purpose of trying to just see other people I created a plenty of fish account. Talked to some people a bit no big deal. Except one of the guys actually wants to talk to me so I start texting him. Then he starts calling and I'm still a little skeptical because I just don't know, so I talk to him a bit. Then we went out for coffee last night for a bit and talked and what not. He is very nice, laid back and likes a lot of the same things I do. Only thing is he is obsessed with transformers. I can see that being a problem but anyways my point is just that how do I go from what I thought was my only love to actually thinking about liking and dating another guy? Am I just trading one in for the other? Or do I legitimately like this person? Can I actually like this person? So many questions to which I really have no answers or idea how to deal with things. Plus I will need to tell Jeff at some point because we still talk all the time and he still means a lot to me.
  Whether or not Jeff and I ever actually continue a relationship with each other is unknown but I know that we will always be there for each other no matter who we decide to date or what happens. I hope Jeff and I can stay really close and always get along well because I know I need him in my life. He is my go to person whenever I need something.

I have a feeling my life is about to start to get busy again, I should be going back to work soon, I am feeling more and more social, Lauren and I hang out more now, Talicia can drive so we go out more and I am going to date a bit. Of course don't forget that Jeff likes to come over a lot and same with my family. Maybe that's why I like having a boyfriend, so I have something to do HAHAHA I hope that not the reason. I think the reason is because I always want to be moving forward and I want someone to share all my boring downtime with. Can't do that with friends, everyone has their own life plans, you just need to find someone who has life plans similar to yours.

Sorrow

It's weird. I feel so much.
I never usually feel anything.
So this is what it's like to be a girl?
This is what it's like to be heart broken.

I was never this upset about Craig. Or was I? Did I let myself be upset? Or did I just cling to the next person who would love me? In doing that maybe I either found the love of my life or ruined the greatest friendship I ever had. I'm not sure of anything anymore.

I knew he didn't want a relationship. I knew that. But I guess it just didn't feel that way. It felt like it was almost there. Almost what I wanted or thought I wanted. I guess that must be why it hurts so much.

How do you deal with something like this? How do you learn to let go of someone who loves you? How do you let go of someone you love? How do you still be friends in all of that? I want to know. Someone tell me. He loves me, I know he does, he was so torn up about all of this he even cried. And I know he never cries. Not even in his last relationship. He just can't give me what i give him. He is too fucked up with his anxiety and depression to be what I need him to be. I understand that and I know that he is right. But it's just so not easy to stop loving and wanting to be with someone.
I can't not look at him and not smile. His humor and good nature, his quirky sense of style and love for the simpsons. Even the stupid way he likes to have is coffee cold and his underwear is always on inside out. Even when he fails to hear or listen to me, I would rather be with him doing all those crazy things than anywhere else. I know that it's stupid to say you are in true love or real love or whatever but I actually believe I am in love with him and always will be. I love him despite all the things other people would hate and all the things he hates about himself.

I'm so painfully upset and confused with life. This year has been awful and so upsetting. I want to know if anything worse or more evil can happen. Lets see what has happened this year...
First I move in with Craig and his parents to try and save our relationship because it was falling apart. Then I have to take the bus across the city to get to work. Didn't last long thought because we end up breaking up. Then I find out Jeff has always liked me. Happy about this and being true to myself, I also have always liked Jeff. We decide to be a couple and almost move in together. He breaks things off because he thinks I'm not ready. True enough I wasn't, so we hang out and what not even still kind of act like a couple. Summer time I ask him to be with me because I think I'm ready. Turns out he isn't ready and doesn't know how to deal with this. We talk and he just can't deal with a relationship right now. We go on sort of seeing each other and what not. Oh and then there is all the shit with my sister. She wants to be a street kid. I almost loose my job. Jeff finally says he can't do this relationship at all because he is too fucked up. My mom is about to be homeless and the divorce is still not finalized.

Seriously just want this year to end. I have wanted nothing more all year than be to be happy and content. For things to settle down and be normal and easy. I really don't think this will ever happen. I just want to love and be loved. It's all I ask. If I had one wish, I would wish for everyone I love to be happy and better. No more depression or stress or anxiety. That's all I want.

Early Rise

I'm not usually up this early but Jeff had to go to the union office this morning because he is relieving for Dee Mea. I hope this week goes well and things go back to normal a bit. It kills me to see him so upset and angry or this jacket thing, I don't blame him for being mad of course. It's going to cost him like $400 to replace everything and that was the money he wanted to used to go hunting. Having Season Affective Disorder doesn't help either. He needs to have stuff to look forward to of he will plummet into depression. Sometimes I wish I didn't want to help people through things but I really can't ignore him and the problems because I will feel so guilty. I love him so much.

On a side note I NEED WEED like so bad haha. I have been without for over a week and I'm starting to go squirrely. Not working and just sitting around all day is driving me crazy, the weed helps. Hopefully I will be back at work soon so I won't worry too much. Lauren is coming over today to share her weed with me (Thank god for her) and then later tonight I will get some.

I am kinda happy I will have most of today to myself, I haven't had a lot of alone time lately with Jeff over most of the time and my sister staying here for like a week. It will be nice to just relax and get baked. I think people take for granted that time spent alone is good for you. It makes you think a lot and I think it helps you learn a lot about yourself. It helps me for sure. I suppose that is what this blog is for but you know, it's like the same thing :)
Also as of yesterday after I posted I got like 9 page views :o
That's pretty sweet. Well if you like my silly blog rants you should let me know.

Time goes on...

I have been wrapped up in  my shit life for the past month I haven't even wanted to bother with the internet. Or people for that matter. I haven't talked to really anyone at all since the work incident happened, other than Jeff and Talicia of course oh and Lauren lol. My Mom comes over a lot and we talk and stuff, she helps me through everything. Anyways I think I may be going back to work soon, my issue is being handled by my local union president. He is so awesome, works so hard and I just can't put into words how grateful I am for my union and all the work they have done for me. Today at the NDP conference he pulled me aside and we talked about my work issue. He said he wants to get it dealt with and over by the end of the week, then he gives $1000 cash because he wants to help me out. I started crying, no one has ever done something like that for me, EVER. I am always helping everyone so it was so nice of him to do that. Now I can pay my rent and get some good groceries :)
In my other realm of confusion, Jeff and I are in such a weird relationship. Just when I think everything is going fine he seems to pull away a bit. Then he will do nice things like buy me coffee or tell me he dressed like a metalhead for me. So I know he cares and stuff but he still confuses me sometimes. Also last night we had sex, which I know we shouldn't have because usually I get too emotional and it will upset me later because we aren't dating. But for some reason this time I didn't get upset, I think I was just too horny and needed to get laid. It had been like 2 months since we did it so I am going to chalk it up to just needing to get it out of our system. I think he is more effected by the sex than I am. Also then this morning we found out someone stole his jacket from the hotel room. He is still mad and hasn't talked much all day. It worries me. After last night and now this I'm sure he is just not doing well but I don't know what to do to help or even if he wants the help. I think we will be ok because we always are but I still worry none the less. I really do love him and just want him to be happy so if in the end he doesn't want me, there is nothing I can do about it.
At the end of the day I just want life to make some sense and for everyone I am friends with to be happy. I am feeling better now that I know I still have a job and all that jazz but I am always worried about Jeff and how he is doing. Or how he feels about me. I'm a stupid girl sometimes. I just want to love and be loved and be happy and enjoy life and shit. Is that too much to ask?