Stupid Girl

So I went out on a date. It wasn't bad. We were getting along and everything. He was very nice and would call me often and we would talk. Then I fucked it up by finally telling Jeff. He freaked so to speak.
Came over and was all in my arms saying I don't want to loose you and I love you so much. I'm such an asshole. Like really, he thinks he is for leading me on but I'm an ass for letting myself think I was actually ready to date.
I don't think I ever will be. I love him too much and this weird relationship is never going to end until one of us decides we can see each other anymore. I won't let that happen. I rather love and lose than never love at all. I wish he would see that and feel the same. I don't want to go the rest of my life wondering what could have been between us, that's why I want us to date officially and that's why I think we should. I understand why he thinks we shouldn't but at the same time at the end of the day which option really works better? Most people would pick the relationship because you need to try something before you know it doesn't work. And even after it doesn't seem to work you can still fix it or work on it to make improvements. A relationship is only as strong or good as the people involved in it. You have to make the effort to make things work, you have to make the choice to be there and you need to want it.


I want it. I will put in the effort and I am making that choice to be there. For as long as it take until he realizes I'm not like any other girls and most importantly we are not going to end up like him and his ex. I know we can do this.

Questions.

Things I wonder about.
Am I'm crazy, weird and girly?
It's only been  4 days since my last heartfelt post and I am starting to feel different already. I'm starting to question my feelings for Jeff or if I even had them in the first place. I love Jeff I know I do but I'm starting to think it's just that very close family type love and now what I thought it was. Or if it is what I thought it was why am I doing so well all of a sudden.

For the purpose of trying to just see other people I created a plenty of fish account. Talked to some people a bit no big deal. Except one of the guys actually wants to talk to me so I start texting him. Then he starts calling and I'm still a little skeptical because I just don't know, so I talk to him a bit. Then we went out for coffee last night for a bit and talked and what not. He is very nice, laid back and likes a lot of the same things I do. Only thing is he is obsessed with transformers. I can see that being a problem but anyways my point is just that how do I go from what I thought was my only love to actually thinking about liking and dating another guy? Am I just trading one in for the other? Or do I legitimately like this person? Can I actually like this person? So many questions to which I really have no answers or idea how to deal with things. Plus I will need to tell Jeff at some point because we still talk all the time and he still means a lot to me.
  Whether or not Jeff and I ever actually continue a relationship with each other is unknown but I know that we will always be there for each other no matter who we decide to date or what happens. I hope Jeff and I can stay really close and always get along well because I know I need him in my life. He is my go to person whenever I need something.

I have a feeling my life is about to start to get busy again, I should be going back to work soon, I am feeling more and more social, Lauren and I hang out more now, Talicia can drive so we go out more and I am going to date a bit. Of course don't forget that Jeff likes to come over a lot and same with my family. Maybe that's why I like having a boyfriend, so I have something to do HAHAHA I hope that not the reason. I think the reason is because I always want to be moving forward and I want someone to share all my boring downtime with. Can't do that with friends, everyone has their own life plans, you just need to find someone who has life plans similar to yours.

Sorrow

It's weird. I feel so much.
I never usually feel anything.
So this is what it's like to be a girl?
This is what it's like to be heart broken.

I was never this upset about Craig. Or was I? Did I let myself be upset? Or did I just cling to the next person who would love me? In doing that maybe I either found the love of my life or ruined the greatest friendship I ever had. I'm not sure of anything anymore.

I knew he didn't want a relationship. I knew that. But I guess it just didn't feel that way. It felt like it was almost there. Almost what I wanted or thought I wanted. I guess that must be why it hurts so much.

How do you deal with something like this? How do you learn to let go of someone who loves you? How do you let go of someone you love? How do you still be friends in all of that? I want to know. Someone tell me. He loves me, I know he does, he was so torn up about all of this he even cried. And I know he never cries. Not even in his last relationship. He just can't give me what i give him. He is too fucked up with his anxiety and depression to be what I need him to be. I understand that and I know that he is right. But it's just so not easy to stop loving and wanting to be with someone.
I can't not look at him and not smile. His humor and good nature, his quirky sense of style and love for the simpsons. Even the stupid way he likes to have is coffee cold and his underwear is always on inside out. Even when he fails to hear or listen to me, I would rather be with him doing all those crazy things than anywhere else. I know that it's stupid to say you are in true love or real love or whatever but I actually believe I am in love with him and always will be. I love him despite all the things other people would hate and all the things he hates about himself.

I'm so painfully upset and confused with life. This year has been awful and so upsetting. I want to know if anything worse or more evil can happen. Lets see what has happened this year...
First I move in with Craig and his parents to try and save our relationship because it was falling apart. Then I have to take the bus across the city to get to work. Didn't last long thought because we end up breaking up. Then I find out Jeff has always liked me. Happy about this and being true to myself, I also have always liked Jeff. We decide to be a couple and almost move in together. He breaks things off because he thinks I'm not ready. True enough I wasn't, so we hang out and what not even still kind of act like a couple. Summer time I ask him to be with me because I think I'm ready. Turns out he isn't ready and doesn't know how to deal with this. We talk and he just can't deal with a relationship right now. We go on sort of seeing each other and what not. Oh and then there is all the shit with my sister. She wants to be a street kid. I almost loose my job. Jeff finally says he can't do this relationship at all because he is too fucked up. My mom is about to be homeless and the divorce is still not finalized.

Seriously just want this year to end. I have wanted nothing more all year than be to be happy and content. For things to settle down and be normal and easy. I really don't think this will ever happen. I just want to love and be loved. It's all I ask. If I had one wish, I would wish for everyone I love to be happy and better. No more depression or stress or anxiety. That's all I want.

Early Rise

I'm not usually up this early but Jeff had to go to the union office this morning because he is relieving for Dee Mea. I hope this week goes well and things go back to normal a bit. It kills me to see him so upset and angry or this jacket thing, I don't blame him for being mad of course. It's going to cost him like $400 to replace everything and that was the money he wanted to used to go hunting. Having Season Affective Disorder doesn't help either. He needs to have stuff to look forward to of he will plummet into depression. Sometimes I wish I didn't want to help people through things but I really can't ignore him and the problems because I will feel so guilty. I love him so much.

On a side note I NEED WEED like so bad haha. I have been without for over a week and I'm starting to go squirrely. Not working and just sitting around all day is driving me crazy, the weed helps. Hopefully I will be back at work soon so I won't worry too much. Lauren is coming over today to share her weed with me (Thank god for her) and then later tonight I will get some.

I am kinda happy I will have most of today to myself, I haven't had a lot of alone time lately with Jeff over most of the time and my sister staying here for like a week. It will be nice to just relax and get baked. I think people take for granted that time spent alone is good for you. It makes you think a lot and I think it helps you learn a lot about yourself. It helps me for sure. I suppose that is what this blog is for but you know, it's like the same thing :)
Also as of yesterday after I posted I got like 9 page views :o
That's pretty sweet. Well if you like my silly blog rants you should let me know.

Time goes on...

I have been wrapped up in  my shit life for the past month I haven't even wanted to bother with the internet. Or people for that matter. I haven't talked to really anyone at all since the work incident happened, other than Jeff and Talicia of course oh and Lauren lol. My Mom comes over a lot and we talk and stuff, she helps me through everything. Anyways I think I may be going back to work soon, my issue is being handled by my local union president. He is so awesome, works so hard and I just can't put into words how grateful I am for my union and all the work they have done for me. Today at the NDP conference he pulled me aside and we talked about my work issue. He said he wants to get it dealt with and over by the end of the week, then he gives $1000 cash because he wants to help me out. I started crying, no one has ever done something like that for me, EVER. I am always helping everyone so it was so nice of him to do that. Now I can pay my rent and get some good groceries :)
In my other realm of confusion, Jeff and I are in such a weird relationship. Just when I think everything is going fine he seems to pull away a bit. Then he will do nice things like buy me coffee or tell me he dressed like a metalhead for me. So I know he cares and stuff but he still confuses me sometimes. Also last night we had sex, which I know we shouldn't have because usually I get too emotional and it will upset me later because we aren't dating. But for some reason this time I didn't get upset, I think I was just too horny and needed to get laid. It had been like 2 months since we did it so I am going to chalk it up to just needing to get it out of our system. I think he is more effected by the sex than I am. Also then this morning we found out someone stole his jacket from the hotel room. He is still mad and hasn't talked much all day. It worries me. After last night and now this I'm sure he is just not doing well but I don't know what to do to help or even if he wants the help. I think we will be ok because we always are but I still worry none the less. I really do love him and just want him to be happy so if in the end he doesn't want me, there is nothing I can do about it.
At the end of the day I just want life to make some sense and for everyone I am friends with to be happy. I am feeling better now that I know I still have a job and all that jazz but I am always worried about Jeff and how he is doing. Or how he feels about me. I'm a stupid girl sometimes. I just want to love and be loved and be happy and enjoy life and shit. Is that too much to ask?

Watching...

Finally got to see the first episode of season 5 Dexter. Absolutely my favorite show ever for all sorts of reasons other than it entertains me and it's well done.

First off, he is super hot and I would bone him in a heartbeat but he also has a very strange resemblance to that of the man I am currently seeing. It's something in the eyes that makes them look the same, or it the very mischievous smile that you just can't figure out. They both have this expression that leaves you wanting more because they are so complex and interesting that they themselves will never tell you what they are really thinking. You have to figure it out for yourself. I love figuring people out.
Also I have always had a strange fascination with serial killers, ever since I was probably about 13 years old. I love watching documentaries about them, reading books about them and just learning about what makes them tick. Probably for reasons that are not good according to most people. I am very apathetic to most people unless for some reason I should care about them or it's like I "know" I care about them but I don't really feel anything. Mother says this is normal for sane people because I know how to keep my emotions separate.  I suppose that is true but sometimes I wonder if me not feeling anything is bad. I feel anger and stress and that is about it. This is why I understand Dexter so well, go on living life not feeling anything and just doing things to fit in. I know I'm not as messed up as he is but on a somewhat similar wavelength I believe it's kind of the same. Could I kill someone? Probably.

I got in a fight once when I was drunk, I don't remember it at all but I all I know is I only hit her once and I broke her nose. 5 girls ganged up on me and all I got was a little bit of a black eye. My point is that if I was sober and got into a fight I don't know how far it would go. I worry that I wouldn't be able to stop myself. I don't know what I am capable of. People who pick fights with me should be worried about this if they want to live to see tomorrow.
So am I like Dexter or am I mostly normal? In all possibility I could become something like Dexter if I had to. I do what needs to be done when no one else wants to do it, I have been this way all my life and I don't see it changing anytime soon.

On a more human note,
I needed someone the other day. Like actually really needed someone.
Jeff, I realized I need him around when I am feeling shitty or when I don't want to face a large problem alone. This is weird for me because I rarely if ever feel like I "need" anything or anyone. I am very independent and can do everything by myself but yesterday I really felt it. Karen from the woman's comity called me to remind me of the meeting today and the members meeting after. I always love going but this time I just don't want to. After all the stuff that has happened at work I just don't want to go and least of all alone.  Jeff is gone on his holidays fishing so he won't be back until sometime tomorrow. I guess I really just want him there for support and to back me up when I fail but either way it's just something new for me.
Just another sign telling me he is perfect for me.

Just got suspended pending investigation...

I got suspended pending investigation. Fuck my life. Fuck you workplace for being a bunch of assholes. I know they set me up. Bunch of fucking assholes. What am I going to do.
 Dear UFCW please save my job.
 :(

Just another day in the life of

Not going to write too much today because I just got home...it's like 3:30 pm and I need to sleep still.

Had a Health & Safety meeting this morning, went ok I suppose, a little rushed though. Then got my nails done with my mom, which is awesome. I have lightning bolts on my thumbs :D I love hanging out with my mom, we get along awesome and I can talk to her about anything. She is going to drive me to work tonight so I have some extra sleep time.

Also I just took some nytol so I can sleep better during the day. Should be kicking in soon...

Picture of the day...

Love, love. I like it. Hopefully said man I am kinda seeing will be able to commit soon. Either way I am happy with the way things are, I just want him to be mine officially. I'm ready for that serious relationship, I don't want to date around and waste time. I found what I have always wanted and I just want to make the life happen <3

First

This is my first blog post. I haven't had a blog since I was in junior high school.

The reason I decided to start a new one is because I need to put my ideas somewhere on a daily basis. I am learning a lot about myself this year and I know I will continue to learn more. So in order to keep myself from exploding on a regular basis I have decided to write in here as often as I can about my day to day life and the struggles I encounter in my work place. I try to do whatever I can to make my workplace better but it's always an uphill battle here in Alberta. The Texas of Canada so to speak. I hate it here but I want to live here so I can make it a better place.

Some part of me has always known that I would "do" something for people or make a difference. That may sound cheesy but I'm ok with that. I never thought of myself as a people person, I always thought I would be an artist of some kind and living the "alternative" lifestyle. Things change as you get older, people change, ideas change and I know I have changed in all sorts of ways.
I thought I would never want to get married.
I thought I would never want kids.
I thought I would never want to settle down.
I thought I would be a "rebel" and different.

Truth is the only thing I was right about was the being different part. Best quote I ever heard was in the movie SLC Punk.

"Rebellion happens in the mind, you can't create it you just are that way."

That statement/quote is pretty much one of the best and true I have ever heard.
Growing up kids think dressing differently means you are different, I also used to think this. Only for me to learn years latter that it's all about how you think that makes you different not about how you dress. Besides people won't listen to you if you are dressed in a way that frightens them, no matter how intelligent or important you are.

Anyways I have lots of time to write more about myself and the random things I think. Until next time...